Sunday, May 20, 2012

Can Someone or Something Kill Your Passion For Writing?

I had a very painful conversation with a young man that I have been good friends with for a very long time. He's someone I always thought the world of--and while I am not going to get into the specifics of the conversation out of respect for him and what he is going through--I did want to touch on something.

He mentioned that an individual killed the part of him that wrote.
Not something I could believe at the time and still not something I am quite willing to believe. It was a heavy conversation that came up out of the blue. No... Not out of the blue because his discontent was always simmering and we tried to talk about everything else except the thing hurting him. But we always come back to it and nothing I can say will ever change how he feels. But--I digress.

I know how it is to love a person to the point that it is hard to see anything else beyond them or the life you imagine for you and that individual.
I'm talking about love folks. It's not always pretty--or maybe it is and humans, the screwed up individuals we are feel the need to ugly it up a little to make it seem relevant. I don't really know what goes on with that, but I do know what it is to love someone that deeply because I do love someone that deeply. But I don't think that he'd kill my writing or the part of me that writes. I think that part of me exists on an entirely other plane. Not even he can travel that far and slay it. No one can. But the thought, the idea that it is possible for some people to feel that way makes me uneasy. This individual is a published author. He's not famous yet--but he will be if he doesn't let this thing get him before he's even crossed the starting line.
I don't like having tortuous thoughts about any of this--but I am. I don't like being a tortured writer--which I'm not thank Allah for that. I do draw on the almost...obsessive attachment that I feel for E. and I draw on his obsession with me. It's a dangerous thing and it has gotten out of control but it's like learning how to juggle knives or jump through flaming hoops--once you get the hang of it, it's the most thrilling experience you will ever have. I realize now that most people don't have that. It's either extremely comfortable or predictable or extremely volatile and dangerous with little margin for error. It is very hard to get right but once you do, then that's it.
I think that my friend's spirit was killed a little...not so much the writing. I told him that his writing is Jesus and his spirit is Lazarus and it'll raise him from the dead. He's not at a point to believe any of it. But you gotta dig down to the marrow to even get to that place.
I wouldn't know. I don't want to know. But that's how I feel--and I think I'm right.