Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Confidence

It's not something I ever really had. Maybe occasionally when I was particularly sure of something. And even then, there was that niggling little doubt.

I couldn't at all imagine why something amazing or spectacular could happen to me when there were so many other better people it could happen to.

Thinking like that doesn't really get you far if anywhere. And even upon saying this, I'm sure that some part of me will always have that twinge in the back of my head.

I think the reason why I've had so much trouble with my writing isn't because it isn't good. I know it is. That's not being particularly vain or even confident. I know that because it's probably one of the few things I can do marginally well. It's more along the lines of feeling that somehow no matter how good you are, you somehow aren't as adequate as others.

Then you begin to read your work back to yourself with the eyes of someone who suddenly doesn't feel as confident and you end up second guessing yourself and quitting.

And somehow amidst that, you are foolishly able to convince yourself that you probably aren't that good anyhow. You pick up the pen or turn on your laptop and you keep writing, having no confidence in what you're writing and then you just...stop.

Well, not you so much as Me.

Then I realize that after stepping away for a day and a half and looking at it with new eyes--and a bit more objectively makes all the difference.

Then I can at least say "I'm no Hemingway, but it's actually pretty good."

Don't know how many times this will happen before I'm finished...but as long as their is a finish instead of an eternal pause...then maybe that's not so bad.

3 comments:

JDS said...

I know the feeling. Just keep plugging away and eventually you will feel some pride in your work.

Alicia Evans said...

It's either that or go crazy. -lol-

Aubrie said...

Sometimes I read back my own writing and HATE it! And then the next day I think it's good again. It's so weird.