Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Here We Go Again

I feel like I have to start from scratch with everything since I've been gone so long. Well, a month really isn't all that long, but it felt like that for me.

After the miscarriage, I had a change of heart with the book I'm writing. One day, I just read over everything and then--I tossed it.

It was time to start over. No discs, no computer, no air conditioned office to write in. I sat down at the dining room table with my boyfriend's stuff all over it (cd's, books, papers,) I grabbed a yellow writing pad, one of the pens I had to confiscate from my daughter's mouth and I just started over.

I didn't think about it or even worry about it. Something said 'start over' and I did. It goes beyond just the writing though--I needed to revamp my entire lifestyle it seems. The way things were going just wasn't working for me anymore. I finally took my partner's advice and I stopped eating meat--completely. Of course he's thrilled. And really, it just isn't that big of a deal. I feel better. And after this whole thing with he and I losing the pregnancy, I feel alot closer to him.

Life is no where near perfect. There's still never enough money and there was this huge spectacle with my daughter's biological father who showed up unannounced at my doorstep announcing that after months, he wanted to see his daughter. But that's another story for another day and I'll promise that I'll get around to telling it.

Writing seems the most important epiphany because now I'm back to the stage where I don't have to try and it just becomes what it's supposed to become.

Not entirely sure if this entry made any real sense. It's one of those days where your mind is all over the place and you're scrambling to find some sort of...center.

I think I'm slowly starting to get there.

1 comments:

JDS said...

Keep trucking. If life wasn't hard, we wouldn't have anything to write about.