Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The other day...

Yesterday...or was it the day before? I can't even remember...but it was a horrible day in the way that it just sits with you, preventing you from doing anything but sitting there staring off into space.

I got into this really bad argument with my sister. Not going to go into details into what it entailed, but needless to say, it's weighing heavy on my mind. I know it's going to be one of those things that are going to prevent us from talking for a few weeks. Thinking about it right now hurts because I don't want to think about it...because I remember how unbelievable close we used to be...because I had to be the one to tell her that I needed to step away from her for a while.

I sat at the computer yesterday, staring at Chapter 3 and I only wrote a few lines, unable to concentrate, and then I closed it out. I found myself becoming angry with life...angry at myself...angry because it seems like every step forward I take, someone makes sure to try and knock me back, just to remind me that...'You're Alicia. You're a push over and silly and too nice and you have too many dreams that are stupid...and you're getting way too ahead of yourself right let me say something to shatter you for a while."

And it works. It always does and I hate myself a little for it. It's not as bad as it used to be. Give it about four days and I'll shake it off. And that feeling will be replaced by this need to make sure that my daughter, and the baby in my belly will never be made to feel the way I have been. I don't want them to grow up seeing anyone treat their mama like she's second class--especially people who claim to 'look out for her best interests.'

I know this blog is about my writing and my pursuit of the dream we all have, and maybe no one wants to read this junk...but it's a part of it. Every day isn't some glorious new discovery. Some days just plain old suck. I am very aware that this may be my hormones getting the best of me, I'm aware that while I'm happy about this pregnancy, that I'm scared to death, Eric tries to help me not worry or stress, or let people's words get the best of me...and let me know that he loves me, but some days, it just doesn't matter.

This morning before I left for the day, I was really withdrawn and he tried to make me laugh. He told me he liked making me laugh...and I wanted to, but I couldn't. I was too caught up by my sister's words...too caught up by the fact that her approval means ALOT to me.

It's stupid. Ridiculous. Silly. Dumb. Four adjectives that seriously describe me to a 'T' sometimes.

So I'm venting. And saying this stuff is like getting rid of one of those headaches I constantly have. Sometimes the pressure in my head hurts so badly that I have to sit on the edge of the toilet or the tub, and feel the pressure fade into nothing. So saying this, knowing that people read it and knowing that I probably made a complete ass of myself in front of all you people...actually makes me feel alot better.

I love my family very much. They are the most important things in my life...but I'm pretty important to me too...and sometimes it's okay to step away for a while.

So I'll pick up the pen today, and I'll start writing and I'll try to forget about this. I'll just write because some days, aside from breathing, it's all I know how to do.


Lee Ryan said...

Hey - everyone needst to vent!! Nice post!

Sun Up said...

Would you believe I'm not that great at venting? *LOL* I'm usually very to myself with things like that..but it felt good to let go. So thanks!

SP said...

Hey Honeybee,

You have mail. I left you a message on Eric's phone. Just covering all of the bases so you know. You are loved, miss you woman. =)

Peace, Love and Blessings,