Friday, April 17, 2009

Writing Though The Pain?

Before you folks start to get worried, no this isn't some emo-angst post. I'm talking about pain...literal pain.

So, for the past few weeks, I've been suffering (and trust me, that's not a word I'd use lightly) from intensely violent headaches. I went to the ER last night because I was tired of not being able to sleep and ultimately, not being able to write.

I had a CT scan done yesterday, but they didn't find anything. It wasn't even classified as migraines or cluster headaches. Truth is, they don't know what it is. But they ended up giving me some Percoset and I got the first 8 hour sleep I've had since sometime in late February. Right now, I'm still kind of...high from the Percs, but the sad and funny thing is, is that it didn't kill the pain completely. It just dulled it enough so I could actually sleep.

All that being said, my writing as of late has been extremely minimal. I was lucky if I could write a few paragraphs. And it's not like the ideas aren't there sitting in my head. But I'll sit there and write and I'm so focused on the pain that I find myself writing utter tripe. I threw a few pages away yesterday (and yes, I mean THREW. I still write with pen and paper since I don't have a home computer) and I'm sitting on the edge of my bed thinking about the characters and realizing that I'm trying to write through the pain and it's coming out horrible.

I folded the book away and just sat there, meanwhile, there's this hot, pulsating pain in my right temple that's shooting from my neck, to my chest to my freaking teeth! I'm talking outloud to myself saying what this or that scene won't work...why it felt stilted...and I'm trying to think through this haze of excrutiating pain--and I just couldn't do it.

One night, I actually broke down and sobbed and my boyfriend (who I happen to be thoroughly pissed off with right now) came into the bedroom and massaged my temples and the pain subsided for maybe 40 minutes--just long enough for nature to play its cruel trick of having me believe I was going to actually sleep, only to be waken up by the sensation of someone beating you mercilessly in the head.

Sounds exaggerated?

Well, it's not. I have a seriously high threshold for pain. It comes with growing up being told to 'suck it up' and 'it's not that bad'. Believe me, when you have an obnoxious little sister that pushes you down the steps while you're on crutches (oh yeah Tameka, I remember that. Oh yes I do. lol) you can pretty much take anything. But I went and I feel substantially better, though there is pain beginning to creep back. And I figure I need to start writing while the gettin's good right?

I have learned NOT to write through the pain--because for me it comes out disturbingly bad (at least to my standards). I just want to get this manuscript finished so I can find something else to obsess over (like getting an agent and starting another novel)

I haven't added anything new on Bowl Of Oranges ( yet, but I'll have something possibly by tomorrow. Maybe I'll even take the time to explain why I titled it Bowl of Oranges.

I'm sure I'll be adding more before the day is out. As always, thanks for reading.


Adaora A. said...

Wow your headaches sound quite excruciating. My advice would be to get a second and third opinion on that one. I'm not saying it's anything terrible (I'm not a doctor) but it's worth checking out. The pain you experience is what I get on a monthly basis in the stomach area - if you know what I mean. And being physically in pain is very debilitating and difficult to explain. Makes you agrivated that you don't have control over your body. I really hope you feel better soon.

Sun Up said...

That is exactly what I plan on doing. I have a referal to a neurologist and I'm definitely going to utilize that. Thanks for your words...have a great one!