Bubble Guts

(I know, the title. Don't ask. You so don't want to know.)

Sleep has been elusive for the past two weeks. I fell asleep on the bus this morning on my way to class and nearly missed my stop. You don't know how badly I want to go home, pull the blankets over my head and go to sleep.

Then I remember, I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm a gal with a little gal and I'm just not going to get the sleep I want.

Oh...so her dad came home from jail Friday. Showed up at my door with his mother, and I made up a lie as to why they couldn't take her. I ended up taking her over there for a few hours last weekend, but I didn't leave her alone. His mother has yet another new boyfriend--with a hairy belly.

I think this weekend drained me. I have finals coming up this week and then the first mod is over and done with. I'm passing with flying colors though I haven't been particularly interested in writing. I'm really taking my friend Crystal's advice and writing when I have to...not because I have a deadline.

I'm in this weird place right now that when I get home and put on Peter Pan for Israel, I sit on the couch and basically zone out. Eventually I'll do the dishes or cook, but I zone for at least an hour. Trust me, I know I could be writing, but for me, it just doesn't happen like that. It's a mix of apathy and lethargy.

Then again, eating a honey bun and barbeque chips for breakfast doesn't really have the greatest effect on energy...or your stomach for that matter.

Back on Track

I guess.

It's always hard to say with me. I haven't been writing as much because of school--or more correctly, because I have to make up some work missed at school.
Life has been...strange in the way it usually tends to be for me. I wish I could condense all the oddities in my life and make it into a story, but I don't think it would even begin to make sense.

But I think that's the problem--I'm trying to make sense of something that has no need for it.

It's beautiful today. It's breezy and cool and the sky looks like rain. I can't help but to look up from this computer from time to time and just look out side. I keep getting distracted by the trees. It's always been that way for me. I remember a few years ago before my daughter, I was at this park in Hamilton, New Jersey with my sister called Veterans' Park. It was July and the day was pleasantly warm. The sun was setting when we got there and it would have been completely dark within an hour or so.

I remember walking the path with my sister and her daughter and some other children we had taken with us, and I walked off the path with my niece Orion and we pretended to get lost in the woods. I remember pausing while she went on, and staring at the green canopies of the trees swaying slowly, rhythmically back and forth. I was in a trance. It almost seemed as if the trees were breathing in and out. It was beautiful. I swear, if it's a windy or breezy night and you stare at the trees, it's like your eyes are playing tricks on you.

In other news: One of the classes I'm taking for this course is Business English or Coder's English and OMG...you cannot believe how much it is improving my writing. It is so important to be able to punctuate correctly and know when to use prepositional phrases, conjunctions, past participles and...god...stuff I haven't thought about since grammar school. It's helped me alot and has definitely given me more confidence in writing. Granted, I haven't really written in a few days, but I've lost that urgency to write because I need to put something on paper for the sake of doing it. I've learned to write when I have the time and know that it's still just as important as it was all those weeks and months ago.

So...we'll chat soon!

Seppy: I hope you're feeling alot better! I miss you!

Daughters

This blog entry has nothing to do with writing at all, but I think it's important for all mothers, caregivers of children, aunts, grandmothers etc, to read.

Last weekend, I allowed my daughter to see her paternal grandmother after nearly a month of keeping her away. For a while, her paternal grandmother was baby sitting her while I was interning. For many reasons, I chose not to have my child associate with her father or his family. Maybe I should be nice and politically correct, but I'm not going to and I'm sure some of you know that about me by now.

His family...is disgusting. I think they're horrible people. They've been horrible to me and my daughter. But because I felt the need to include them in her life and because I often allowed myself to be bullied by them, I would let them see her. There were times when they would turn up at my apartment unannounced demanding to see my daughter. Thankfully, my boyfriend successfully nipped that in the bud.

But that's not what this post is about.

This past weekend, I allowed my daughter to stay the night with her paternal grandmother. Since I never gave her my cell number, she'd been calling MY mother non stop asking me why I haven't brough Israel over to see her. Not only that, but I had people from her family stopping me on the street asking me about it. Giving in, I allowed her to go over there.

When I picked her up on Sunday, I found out some news that solidified my resolve that she will never go over there for as long as I am alive.

When I arrived at her house, my daughter was on the shoulders of her ex-boyfriend Tommy (whom I don't have a problem with. I've known him forever and he's known israel since she was a new born). I walked into the house and I asked 'Where's Darrell' which was her current boyfriend that was living with her. Part of the reason why I stopped bringing my daughter there was because Darrell was a drug addict, and a pervert and he hit on me a few times. I never trusted him.

My daughter's grandmother informed me that she had left a little girl alone with Darrell, a girl she was responsible for, that she was getting paid to take care of while her mother was at work. Tammy had to go to the doctor's and she left this 7 year old girl alone with him, and he molested her.

I know the little girl VERY well. Often times her mother and stepdad would bring the little girl and her brother to my apartment when they went out and they'd end up spending the night with my daughter. The girl has spent the night with me numerous times when my niece comes over because they are good friends and the same age.

My anger isn't simply from what this creature of a man did to a child, but it was also directed towards Tammy.

Reciting these words even now make me seethe with anger I haven't felt in a long time. When I asked her about it, she said, and I quote:

"Well, at first I didn't believe her. You know *name witheld* is a little hot ass anyways."

This...is the mother of five children. The grandmother of three. I shouldn't be surprised as one of her sons was recently in prison for similar charges and her other son, my daughter's sorry excuse for a father is currently in jail for domestic violence. Her other children are completely inept and incapable of doing anything for themselves but blaming the world for their problems.

The little girl in question is an uncommonly beautiful little girl, even moreso because she has such a sweet personality. She's very intelligent, and happy and just a good girl. She's very affectionate, loves hugging and just being herself. Just last night she called me from my kitchen window and waved--like nothing happened. And my heart just hurt for her.

I feel lax as a parent because I allowed my daughter to be taken care of by her when I was working for the State of New Jersey. Granted, this man wasn't around then, but I am sure she had countless other degenerates around my child. Because my daughter can't really talk yet, I am praying to God nothing happened to her when I was gone

I'm sure I don't have to tell any of you this, but I'm saying it because we all need to be reminded sometimes. Just...ask your kids questions, be aware.

I am so grateful this little girl spoke up because if she hadn't, who knows how much further it could have went. She told her parents, not Tammy, because she was afraid and the man was still there.

He's currently in jail with a 50,000.00 bail and I don't see him getting out any time soon.


Be good folks.

!@#$!

Man.


I don't even know where to start with this one. I really don't. I waited too long. Maybe I knew this was coming. I couldn't flesh out 'Charlie' the way I wanted, no matter how hard I tried and I've hit a brick wall.

Shit...I don't like her. I just don't fecking like her. At all. She's flat. Uninteresting...I don't like her. I can't feel her.

And she's the center of the story. I don't know how many thousands of words I wrote. But I stopped.

I flat out...stopped. I cannot--I will not waste any more time with this story. I never came up with a title that I liked. I've been writing this story for almost six months (which is way too long) and I'm not in love with it anymore.

I'm not even sad. I actually pissed off. Really, fundamentally pissed off. I'm not saying that I'll never pick this up again. But I'm putting it in the drawer until it wants to cooperate. I'm sick of looking at it. I'm sick of thinking about it. The idea is solid. It's sound, but for some reason it's not just coming together. When I send out the manuscript, I want whoever I send it to, to be floored by it.

But I'm not floored with it. I'm BORED with it.


Now Jane...I like Jane. I love Jane. Jane is fecking fantabulous. Man, I just started writing about this mousey little screw-up of a woman who cannot use a public bathroom when there's other people in there (she'll actually stop in mid-piss when she hears someone comes in), who owns this horrifically ugly pink t-shirt with dancing kittens across the front of it and sits on her computer at home playing nerdy video games.

I fecking (like my new word?) LOVE her. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with her...but it's going to be something.

I don't care about genres or queries or agents or agent blogs or anything. I worried about that shit way too much with this last project and it totally killed me.

Chronicles of Jane. Not changing it. Not fixing it. Not thinking about it. It's there.


I suck. I really REALLY do.

Have you ever...?

Gotten an absolutely brilliant (story) idea while you're still wrestling with your WIP, and then STOP writing it to write the Other Brilliant Idea down?

I did.

I thought it'd be sacriligious to stop writing one thing to jot down something else. But I think you'd be doing yourself a huge disservice if you didn't do it. I can't tell you how many times I've had this really good concept and decided to work it out in my head later only to forget it when the time came.

It's really retarded if you ask me. And I'm speaking from personal experience. I've had a few da-dee-da-dee moments and more than likely I'm going to have quite a few more before this is all said and done with.

My advice is...don't feel guilty. Put it down. Hell, bang out (that sounds dirty) a few paragraphs if it helps. I'm disciplined enough to know that I really can't work on two things at once, no matter how tempted I might be to do so. Besides, who's to say that when I finish this manuscript that super awesome ideas are going to come out of the Realm of Super Awesome Ideas?

In other news, one of my classes here at school is Coder's English and I didn't realize until...oh...let's say Moday, August 17th 2009, how much I have completely fudged up the English language.

I'm probably doing it right now.

That One Hot Guy

So school...yeah...it's pretty awesome and I'm actually sitting here in class wondering why I didn't pay attention in high school.

Then I'm like 'Oh yeah, boys.'

There's no boys in our class. All women. 25 women.

Most people in this school ARE women actually. But there is this one particular hottie who I can't help but to stare at. And what makes it worse is that he speaks to me and he snuck up behind me earlier this morning and we spoke for a few minutes.

So I've started this little chant "I have a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend." *Lol* Not that serious of course. I wouldn't stray in a million years. Besides, Eric is all kinds of beautiful. But I kind of miss that old feeling of coming to school to see that ONE hot guy. In high school, that guy was Garrett. Hot Guy From High School, maa-an, he was something else. And every girl was in love with him. He was "deep" and he wrote awesome poetry, he could paint beautifully and he played the guitar. Not to mention, he dressed like a Calvin Klein ad. However unlike in high school--Hot Guy From Business School actually knows I exist!



In other news, my writing hasn't suffered terribly. This week I've been really busy and just thrown off of schedule. But since I get out of school at 2pm and my daughter is out of day care at 5:30 pm, I get a chance to grab a late lunch and write for a couple of hours. So instead of writing at night when she's asleep, I write after school and all day on Friday.

Oh yeah...

wow...I totally just turned 29 on Saturday! Is it indicative of senility that I can't remember turning 29?


...the hot guy totally wants me (in my head at least)


Talk about random blogging today.

Back to school...

After ten years...

Yeah, I graduated in June of 1999 and I just started school again...yesterday actually. I'm taking a course to become a Health Claims Specialist. Because I am my mother's daughter, I always have to have a back up plan.

I like it so far...I get to wear scrubs! I love those things! It was strange being back in the classroom again...along with 25 other women.

It oddly enough, hasn't effected my writing either, not in the way I thought it would.

Sorry for the long pause in between posts. But you guys should know how I am already.
*lol*

Who knows, by this time next year I may actually be able to afford to go to a writer's conference.