Moments.

This is my little attempt to get this thing started again. I;m not exactly sure why, other than I feel the need to write without worrying about what it is that I want to say. Sometimes what I want to say isn't as important as what I need to say. And sometimes, it's alright not knowing the exact words, only that there is something inside of you that needs to be said. I figure if you don't understand where I am coming from with that, that maybe you aren't meant to. I'm in a strange place in my life right now. I realize that I don't know much of anything and that I've been playing life by ear. There are certain things that I know for certain and I try to build my existance around the things that are certain. Aside from work and school, this is the most 'me' writing that I've done in a little while. I don't know when I'm going to start writing seriously again. When I close my eyes I feel that it'll be soon. I'm not rushing it because--well...let me put it like this: You ever see one of those war movies and you're at the pivotal moment where the good guys are facing the bad guys...guns are out and aimed at the enemy and you're thinking 'SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT!!!" But the guy doesn't. If he moves too soon or too late, it'll cost him everything--even his life. That's the point where I am. I think...I think I've got something brilliant in my hands and yes I am excited to write it--beyond excited. I believe what I have, I'll write from start to finish within a month. The moment hasn't come and I am one of those people that live in life's moments. I think that there are points in my life in which I exist in sole moments and when it's gone, I kill myself trying to get that moment back even if the environment isn't right for it. And the bad moments--well I relive them in my dreams. If I find that one...absolutely perfect moment then it'll cancel all the others out. I'm not afraid to say that sometimes I really fuck things up--that sometimes I've missed my moments. I don't know how many more I get, but I hope that I didn't miss the one that counts. My heart pauses at that thought. I'm writing like no one will read this, and maybe they won't. I just need to have this here so when that moment does come, I can come back here and congratulate myself on being right about something.

Playing Catch-up

I am not very good at it. I hate the idea of rushing around to see where everyone is and trying to see if I am up to date on everything. Hell, even when I am caught up, I am usually behind one way or another. I am perpetually out of date. There is so much going on in the literary world that it is mind boggling. Yesterday after reading my blog for the first time in months, I was reading friends' blogs and saw that quite a few friends who weren't published are now published and that is just extremely amazing to me. I am so utterly happy for them. I'd say so, but I'd doubt they'd remember me. It's amazing what gets accomplished in 3 years...and what doesn't.

It's been a while

I started this blog three years ago in May. I knew what I intended it to be--but it became something else. It's been literally over a year since the last time that I wrote in this blog. I've visited it a few times over the course of that year and a half, but I never have been inclined to write anything. I feel that I don't really have much to say right now. All I can say is that I am in the process. In the process of what? In the process of life--living--learning--breathing. It's...sometimes a difficult process, but one that needs to be mastered on one level or the other. Writing Charlie is still a big part of my life--and still unfinished. I think this might be my 'great work' but it's like giving birth: long--hot--painful. I've started research for another novel while I put Charlie on the back burner called Gravedigger. I've done some free writing and I will be glad to post something when I get a chance to. Nothing really profound or interesting to say. Two kids kinda drained mommy today--and they are out of school for the whole week. The baby is now one...seventeen months exactly and Izzy is four and both of them drive me insane. But, they are my anchors and I love them. Eric is still in the picture and we hope to be married before the end of the year--if I don't kill him first. Life is what it is. Maybe one day I'll tell you about it. I miss you guys and much love to all of you!